The end is
always the worst. Jeff sat in his small
cubicle office on the tenth floor of the law firm downtown. He stared blankly at the fall scene on his
computer screen. Jeff had always liked
autumn. Football, sweatshirts, the crisp
smell of falling leaves in the air; those were the things Jeff looked forward
to as the seasons began to change. Jeff
glanced out the floor-to-ceiling window that covered one wall of his office. He
had been so excited when the boss showed him his new office. A window! Perfection! Jeff would often times take short breaks and
watch the happenings of the city around him.
From his vantage point, he could see the lake, the park beside the lake
and the downtown square that was always abuzz in the city. Normally this scene would put a smile on
Jeff's face, but not today.
Jeff looked back at the computer
screen, but his mind was not on the picture before him. For over a month, Jeff had been feeling depressed
and angry. It seemed like nothing was
going right in his life. The occurrences
that led up to his current feelings wouldn't have seemed that significant to
others. However, to Jeff, they were
crushing. There was the incident at work
when Jeff forgot about an important meeting and was unprepared for the presentation
he was supposed to lead that day. He had
written the date down wrong on his calendar; "A simple mistake", his
boss had said, "happens to everyone". Jeff had felt like and idiot and a
failure. It was as if a little voice in
his head kept repeating you are such a
loser. These people were foolish to hire
you and think you could help their law firm.
Also, for a few months now, Jeff and
his girlfriend, Samantha, had been arguing over the craziest things. The
arguments started off small, but then Jeff started getting ideas in his mind
that Samantha was cheating on him. The
little voice in his head would say you
are not good enough for Samantha. Look at how smart and pretty she is. There are plenty of other guys that would be
better for her than you. Look at that
guy over there checking her out! Maybe
she likes him, too. You better watch
out, my friend. These thoughts
became more prevalent as time passed.
Instead of ignoring these awful ideas, Jeff began nurturing them and
these feelings became his daily focus.
Last night, he and Samantha had
experienced their worst fight since they had started dating over a year
ago. Jeff was convinced that Samantha
was cheating on him with someone. He
couldn't pinpoint that "someone", but Jeff continued to have feelings
of mistrust and anxiety when it came to his relationship with Sam.
"Why can't you just trust me,
Jeff?" Samantha said with tears
streaming down her ivory face. Jeff
loved to touch her face. It was always
so smooth. He loved looking into her
dark brown eyes and kissing her soft-as-petal lips. He often wondered how she kept her lips so
soft, even in the dead of winter.
Jeff ran his hands through his
jet-black hair as he began to speak.
"That guy, at the restaurant just now. You were making eyes at him and you would
grin every time he passed by out table!" As Jeff said these words, he knew
he sounded ridiculous. He had a feeling,
deep down in the pit of his stomach, that he was making a big mistake by not
trusting Samantha. However, his
irrational thinking seemed to be taking over.
"Jeff, how many times are we
going to have to have this argument? I
love you, and only you! Why can't you
see that?" Samantha was pleading with Jeff. He could see it in those beautiful, dark
eyes. He could hear it in the tone of
her voice. If he touched her, he knew he
would be able to feel the love through her contact. But for reasons unknown to him at the time,
Jeff stepped away from Samantha. By taking that step, he sealed the fate of his
relationship and his life.
Samantha's eyes grew wide as she
finally realized that Jeff would never be able to completely trust her. Samantha gathered her purse and jacket from
Jeff's couch. "Good-bye, Jeff. I am
so sorry. Just remember that I love you
so very, very much," Samantha turned and walked to the door. She paused a
few seconds with her hand on the doorknob, hoping Jeff would run to her, tell
her to stop. Nothing. Samantha took a deep breath and left Jeff's
apartment without looking back.
Jeff stood in the middle of the
living room for what seemed like hours.
He continued to feed the negative feelings that he was having,
convincing himself further that Samantha didn't really love him. That there was no way he could ever trust
her. Occasionally, the thought of
"you are being irrational, Jeff.
You need to rethink this situation and get control over your emotions"
would roll through his mind, but he would shut that thought off quickly and
continue to obsess over Samantha and her supposed infidelity. By the time Jeff finally lay down on the
couch, he was convinced that Samantha was not only cheating on him, but was in
another relationship and was just using Jeff for his money.
As Jeff drew himself back into the
present, he was still staring blankly at the computer screen. He looked at the time on the screen. It read 11:30. Had he really been sitting here inactive for
almost 3 hours? He hadn't even looked at
the deposition he was supposed to be going over and then discussing at the
meeting at twelve o'clock. He couldn't
do it. There was no way he could
focus. I need to get out of this office and get some fresh air, Jeff
thought to himself.
Jeff took the stairs to the
fourteenth and highest floor of the building. He then opened the door and
stepped out onto the roof. Ahhh….the
cool breeze was just what Jeff needed to clear his head. As Jeff stepped further from the door, the autumn
breeze turned into a gusty wind. Jeff's
tie began to whip around in front of his face as he walked around on the
rooftop.
It only took a moment before Jeff's
brain latched on to the obsessive thoughts again. He sighed in exasperation. "What will it
take for these thoughts to leave me? I
can't function like this!" Jeff was shouting these words with his face
turned to the sky and his hands balled into a fist beside him. A tear trickled down his cheek. Jeff sensed a hopelessness surround him that
he had never felt in his life. It was as
if cold hands were reaching around him squeezing the very breath from him.
Everything became clear to Jeff at
that moment. The only way to solve this problem was to jump. If he jumped all the pain and anger he felt
would go away. It seemed so simple. Jeff stepped up to the ledge of the red brick
building. Normally when Jeff would come
up here, he would take in to beauty of the view. Not this time.
Jeff
you don't want to do this. Jeff
turned to his left suddenly, looking behind him for the source of the voice he
heard. The calm voice sounded so peaceful and so reassuring. But no one was there. Jeff was standing alone on the ledge of the
building, the wind whipping furiously around him. Alone. Forever.
The terrible feeling once again rose up in
him; the cold fingers nudging him to the edge. Jeff took a step and began
falling…falling. His body turned so that
his face was toward the sky and his back to the ground. He felt his body gaining speed. As he looked to the ledge of the building
from where he stepped, he saw two figures that he hadn't noticed before. One was a dark shape; dark as the blackest
night with no stars. The other form was
shining as bright as the sun. The
expression on the dark figure was that of satisfaction. The shining body looked so sad, so very
sad.
It was at that moment Jeff realized
he had made a mistake. It suddenly
became very clear to Jeff. He had listened to the demon instead of the angel.
Jeff had fed the demon and starved the angel.
He had chosen dark over light.
Then, he felt the hardness of the sidewalk crash into his body. Darkness.
Nothing.
Samantha had
just finished her morning classes and was getting ready for her short lunch
break before her afternoon classes started.
She hadn't slept any the night before.
Her mind kept going back to Jeff.
Why had he pulled away from her?
Why hadn't he stopped her from leaving? She could feel tears welling up
as she made her way to the student center. Samantha
reached into her purse and felt around for her cell phone. She was silently hoping that Jeff had
called. Surly he could not believe that
she was cheating on him. She loved him with every thread of her being. When Samantha retrieved her phone from the bottom of her purse (she really should put it in the pocket provided on the side) and turned it on, she was inundated with numerous calls and texts. Immediately, she was ecstatic because she thought for sure all the beeps and dings were going to be messages and texts from Jeff. Her heart lifted and she smiled to herself. She also sighed with relief that she had turned her phone off. Samantha kept her phone off during class so she would not be embarrassed if someone called her and the ringtone blasted "Crazy Train" as she searched and fumbled for her phone. That had happened once before, and Samantha could still feel the burn of her cheeks from that moment. Samantha hated to be singled out or everyone's attention on her. She preferred to be in the shadows, a watcher, not a leader.
As Samantha looked at her phone, her
mood changed suddenly. She had three
missed calls from her mom, two from her dad, four texts from her best friend,
Alana and three texts from her sister.
All said, CALL IMMEDIATELY. None
were from Jeff. Oh, no! Samantha said
to herself. Her brain went into
hyperactive mode. She was racking her
mind about what could be wrong. She knew
it was serious. Samantha turned and headed to her car instead of going to the
student center. As she hurriedly walked, she dialed Alana's cell. It rang only
once and then Alana said, "Thank God you called!"
"What is wrong?" Samantha
said as she clutched the phone to her ear and walked that much faster to her
car.
"Oh, sweetie, I….I don't know
how to tell you this. I don't want to
tell you over the phone, really, we were just trying to find
you…."Samantha could hear the panic in her friends voice.
"Calm down,
Alana. Please, just tell me. I can't wait the ten minutes it would take me
to get home to find out." Samantha
was trying to be calm with Alana, but her insides were electric. She could feel her adrenaline pumping as she
continued to move faster to where her car was parked.
"Sammie, it's, it's Jeff. Something awful has happened!" At that Alana started sobbing. "Jeff
jumped off his work building this morning and is dead. I am so sorry, Samantha!"
Samantha came to a halt in the
middle of the sidewalk. She felt like
she was floating through space. Her head
felt all fuzzy and she starting having rolling pains in her stomach. "Oh, no.
I'm gonna be sick!" Samantha
raced over to the nearest bush and began heaving. The tears began streaming down her face into
the grass, along with the bile from her nearly empty stomach. She hadn't been able to eat that morning
after the fight she and Jeff had the night before.
"Samantha! Sammie!
Can you hear me?" Samantha
could hear Alana's voice, but she couldn't recall why. Then she looked at her hand, and realized she
was holding her phone. "Sammie, stay right where you are. I am coming to get you!" Alana said this
and then hung up.
Samantha knelt by the bush and
waited for her friend to rescue her from this nightmare.
*
* * *
* *
Samantha was paralyzed as she sat by
the bush. Her mind began replaying the
episode with Jeff the night before. It is
all your fault. You shouldn't have
walked away; you should have stayed. If
you had stayed, Jeff would be alive now. The thought made Samantha turn and
heave once more. Nothing would come
up. She felt like she was choking and
her heart was pounding in her ears.
Samantha tried to stand, but she felt light headed and woozy. She
stumbled back into sitting position.
"Honey, are you
okay?" An older lady was walking
toward Samantha.
When Samantha looked up at the lady,
it was if she was glowing. She was dressed in gray pants and a light pink
sweater over a gray and pink top. Her
hair was shoulder length blunt cut with bangs and was salt and pepper in color.
Her smile was comforting and endearing.
Samantha immediately felt drawn to her.
"Jeff is dead." Samantha
said as tears continued to stream down her face. The lady sat down by Samantha and put her
arms around her.
"Samantha, you must be strong,
sweetie. You can't let the devil lie to you like he lied to Jeff". The
lady said this as she drew Samantha closer and stroked her hair.
Samantha felt the most amazing calmness
in the presence of this person. She
closed her eyes and leaned into her. The
lady smelled of sweet roses and honeysuckle, two of Samantha's favorite scents.
Samantha had never felt such peace in her life as she did in that moment. She
wanted to stay like this forever.
Too soon, the moment ended. Samantha opened her eyes, and she was alone. As she looked around for the lovely smelling
lady that gave her such peace, she saw her friend, Alana, running toward her.
As Alana bent to hug her, Samantha
said, "Where did the lady go?"
Alana pulled back from hugging
Samantha and looked around. "What
lady?"
"She helped me feel
better," Samantha said as Alana helped her friend up from the ground.
Alana had an odd expression on her
face. "Sweetie, there was no one around you. I knew the vicinity you were in because of
the Find Friends app on our phone. I saw
you, but I had to circle around the building before I could pull my car over
and come to you."
Samantha's brow creased and she
shook her head as Alana helped her toward the car. Could she have imagined
it? The experience was so real and peaceful.
She looked over her shoulder once more as Alana led her to her car. There was no one there.
